My Lords and my Ladies of the Royal Court, the religious fantasy of Jonah and the Whale.
Now the Great Lord was sitting in His rosy rocking chair one halleluiah morning and He looked down and observed by a great body of water, a little mortal about five foot two. And the Lord dug the mortal and He called for Gabe. And Gabe put down his horn and swung with the book. And the Lord flipped the pages.
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J... And it was Jonah getting his kicks on the beach. He said,
"Man, it sure is crazy out here on this here beach! Man's got a lot of room to groove in the sunshine and down, and everything’s so melody and fine!"
Now, when the Great Lord has something He must have done upon the earth, He calls upon his favorite children to do it. So the Great Lord put the sound on Jonah.
He says, "I dig you, Jonah! I dig you, Jonah! I dig you, Jonah, cause Jonah is the Lord's sweet boy!"
And Jonah said, "Man where is all that jazz music coming from, anyway?
Sound like seventy-two jazz bands jumping off here, man, makes me want to giggle and wiggle.”
He said, “Whoooo unh!"
Says, "I know them seagulls ain't wailing up no breeze like that,"
He said, "The Whooperwills and the canary birds going to carry on,"
Say, "I got the craziest feeling all over my body! Oooh oooh! Feel like I want to stretch my wings and Ooooooooooooh weeee! Good morning, Lord!"
And the Lord said, "Good morning, Jonah."
Said, "Jonah, I got a little favor I'd like..."
Jonah say, "Ain't that crazy, ninety-six million cats
for the Lord to put his finger on,
and he select Jonah. Ain't that groovy?!"
And the Great Lord said, "Jonah, I want you to cross the Red Sea
and put the message on the Israelites. They're squaring up over there."
And Jonah said, "Man, you don't mean this here big pool do you, Lord?"
He said, "Man, look at them whales!"
He said, "You must mean some little old Jonah-sized pool, don't ya, Lord?"
And The Great Lord said, "Jonah, put your nose into the wind
and the message will come to you."
And Jonah put his great nose into the North Wind.
It was not there.
He put it in the East Wind.
It was not there.
He put it into The West Wind.
It was not there.
But, when he put it in the halleluiah South Wind.
It was there!
So he traveled for twenty-two days and fifteen minutes and came to a great cathedral-like group of trees lifting their glorious arms up to heaven in supplication of the master.
And down at the bottom of these giant sequoias Jonah saw growing a strange green vine. And he said, just like Brigham Young, "This is it!!"
And he sat down beside it and he observed of it. And he admired of it.
And he plucked from it. And he rolled of it. And he selected of it. And he swung of it.
And he said, "Where is that full pool The Lord wanted me to dig?
Look out, here come Jonah and he ready as the day is long!"
Vrrrrrrrrrrrr - BOOM!
Cutting a gigantic V right through the breast of the waves.
And suddenly fatigue hit Jonah in the back of his soul
and he lay his great body back in the water.
And he lulling in the waves and Morpheus was goofing on his eyebrows. And sleep came to Johan. And he slept for twelve hours and fifteen seconds.
When he woke, what did he see?
I'll tell you what he saw: He saw The Whale.
And what did he say when he saw The Whale?
He said, "Get me from this scene immediately!"
And The Whale say, "Ha, man, ha hee every time I stick my nose up out of this pool I sure see some crazy jazz! Hee, hee, this is the bending end!"
Say, "What you mean, the bending end, Mr. Whale?"
He say, "Look at that, he talk, too. What do you know about that?"
Say, "Course I talk, Mr. Whale!" He say, "Don't you dig the Marine News?
Ain't you hip to what's going down round these here waters?"
Say, "Wait a minute here, take it easy now."
He say, "Ain't no taking it easy, Mr. Whale."
He say, "It's a big pool. You groove your way, I'll groove mine. I'll swoop the scene and dig you later!"
The Whale say, "Look it here. Here's a little bit of nothing a million miles from no place. He going hip me, The King of the Dip, what the lick is?"
He says, "I got a good mind to gobble you up!"
Jonah said, "Don't you do that, Mr. Whale. Because if you do I'm going knock you in your most delicate gear!"
The Whale say, "That do it!" Baaaahrummmm! And he swallowed Jonah.
And here was Jonah slipping and sliding from one side of this great sea mammal to another. Fear and terror inside. He couldn't go out the front end and he’s afraid to go out the back end.
And all of a sudden he fell down on these great thick blubbery rugs
and a piteous sound came from Jonah.
He said, "Lord! Lord! Can you dig me in this here fish?"
And The Lord said, "I got you covered, Jonah."
And Jonah said, "Man, the Lord's sure got a crazy sense of humor!”
Say, “Maybe that's the reason I dig the cat so much! Tells me he got me covered. The cat got me surrounded!"
And The Great Lord said, "Jonah! Reach in your water-tight pocketbook
and take from there some of the cigarettes you got from the great tree. And courage will return to you!"
And Jonah did.
And we see Johan inside this giant whale. Smoking this strange cigarette. Watching the pistons pound, driving and POOM, pushing on the great valve, Oooooowwwhhh ooooooh 'spanding and eeeeeeeeh ouuuooow expanding.
And finally the Whale say, "Uuuuhhhh, Jonah?"
And Jonah say, [inhaling deeply] "What is it, Fish?"
Whale say, " 'What is it, ‘Fish’?”
He said, “That’s what I said: ‘What is it Fish?’ F-I-S-H- Fish!”
Say, "You got a new captain on this here mass mess now, Mr. Fish."
He say, "I'm on the outside no more. I'm inside now!"
The Whale say, "Jonah, what in the world is you smoking in there? I thought I was off the Flibberty islands. Here I is two minutes from the Panama Canal! This jazz’s got to go."
Jonah say, "What do you care what I'm smoking in here? I'm the captain of this mass mess I done explained to you before."
He said, "Jonah, what are you doing stomping all over the engine room like that for, boy? Why don't you sit down someplace and cool yourself? You getting the ride for nothing."
Jonah say, "I'll stomp all over this here engine room as long as I want.”
Say, “What is this wheel?"
Say, "Look out there, boy, you messing with my downing wheel there, Jonah, look out, man! Don't be messing with that equipment like that here."
Jonah say, "What is this here lever here?"
He say, "Look out, Jonah! Jonah, Jonah, boy!
Boy, look out what you doing!, You got my full speed ahead lever.
Jonah, Jonah, look out for the rock on the right. The rock on the right, Jonah."
He say. "It ain't cool at all! We in the shallow water!"
Jonah say, "That's all I want to know."
And, favaaaammm!, he hit the whale's big Sneeze-o-meter and,
Swaaaawshhh! Blew him out on the cool, groovy sands of serenity.
Which only goes to prove, as Confushi said many, many years ago,
“Lon gai zahou tong goo loo tao aye tai zai zahou.”
Which translated briefly means: If you get to it, and you cannot do it.
There you jolly well are, aren't you!"
from "Euphoria II", recorded in 1951, released in 1955,
transcribed by Michael Monteleone, also found on the CD "His Royal Hipness"