Now that we have the inner circle here this evening, on this last show. I'd like to do one of the most unusual stories in storydom. It's about a hero in evil. A hero in evil called "The Bad-Rapping of the Marquis de Sade". The Marquis de Sade, as you know, was a very royal French nobleman, from a very wealthy family, that dug the chicks. And this cat made Pass City, as a matter of fact, they named Pasadena after this stud. And when he said "Marie, come here!" and she didn't, vrrrppppt, Boom!, he ???. He didn't like no waiting, you understand what I mean.
He was a very interesting cat, as a matter of fact, there was one time when he was wanted everywhere but he vrrrrppppt snuck in anyway. He was a wild stud, a real wild stud.
He was sixty-four years old when he died and he spent twenty-three years in the slammer and if that ain't bad-rapping you hip me.
And he went to all odds and ends to prove his philosophy. He said if you're cutting down a real crazy, wild country road, on a cool, pretty day, and a breeze is coming on and richotting and sweet perfume out of the wild flowers of life. And you feel a hallelujah call in your soul and you swing around the corner. And there, in front of the tree, stands a pretty little chick with a lattice pettycoat. And you never dug her before in your life. And you walk right up to her and you say, "Baby, it's you and me, behind the tree." And she say, "No", she's going against nature! And any cat know you can't do that.
Now, you can take one look at my television face, and you got to know I didn't get all these miles on my puss in one lifetime. So, you got to get hip to the fact that I'm a reincarnated cat. And I knew the Marq real cool. Marq is one of them cats likes to enjoy, understand. He rent a small band, he get five or six chicks and a few gallons of juice and swing up a storm. The neighbors get green eyed, and blow the whistle on the poor cat and BAD RAP HIM EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!
Now, you take the case of Ella Louise Louise Louise, that little chamber maid chick. It's in the history. Now, he knew this chick didn't have no gold. So, he pressed a fin into her palm and said, "Baby, let's split up to my pad and suck up a little juice and hear a little wax and go a little crazy." She said, "Coo coo." So, she took his wing and vrrrpppt, they split toward the pad. And got halfway there and just happened to pass the Birch and Rod Store. So, the Marq said, "'Cuse me a minute, Sugar." Vrrrpppt, he swung in and picked up on twelve miniature style, three colored, silk-tasseled, circus day, children's pony, buggy whips put them under his wing, vrrrppppt, and made the pad and they BAD RAPPED THE POOR CAT EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.
Now, why did he pick up on them twelve long, mean, thin ones? He knew this chick was a square, he knew she was an octagonhead, he knew she was not with the scene and he knew it would be the wrong thing to do, to put such a square chick as she was up against such a tight stud as he was on the bed of high sensuous consequence without alerting the chick a little bit, and they done BAD RAPPED HIM EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!
I should like to give you, in hip, an example of the Marquis de Sade's sense of humor. It's one of the stories of his humorous shots. And, you know, there's a lot of times when you hear of something wild, something crazy, thank you, something insane, and, you see, the humorous thing will reach such a high altitude that you say to yourself, "Man, that's that’s no longer funny." But, if it is humor, and you proceed further, instead of ending a negate, under the license of humor, you find out vrrrpppt, there's a whole new strata up there. Because humor goes in a complete circle, like the world. Humor is the oil of the soul.
Now, here it is. There were two chicks and two studs, sitting in the petticoats of Paris, in a little gin joint, sucking up a little juice and cutting up the Marquis de Sade's last big party. One cat said to the other, he say "Man, heh, that Marq is bad, he's a wild cat."
"You hipping me?"
"I'm hipping you.", he say, "What did you like on that last party? I dug the scene, man, when them twelve naked chicks jumped out of that giant fish bowl and spilt up that cherry tree with that mad puppy dog, I said, 'Man!' Yeah, I never saw chicks jump so fast in all my born days."
The other cat said, "Yeah," he say, "I like that one, but the one that really knocked me out" he say, "Was the one of, in the big cage there with the gorilla, with the gorilla and the fawn tailed blonde. And that little ol' fawn tail blonde, she dancing, a ring-a-ding-ding and a-dong-dong-dong. And the gorilla, he sitting over there digging the whole scene. He ain't making move one. He ain't moving a hair, see? Little ol' fawn tail blonde, she dig, dig, dig, playing the ignore for the gorilla, see? But the gorilla know the blonde know that the gorilla in there."
And they're cutting up and so on and so forth, and all of a sudden, BAM, the door swung open and in stomped a stud about nine foot two, a great big cat with a face like a diamond hatchet and rings on all fingers and money falling out of his pockets. Looked like a cat with a steel rectum. Comes swinging into the scene and he shook these studs up so hard that he hit their subconscious buttons so strong they vrrrrpttt, they found themselves standing on their feet with a low bow to this cat, joined the table and never dug him before in their born days. Turned out to be Prince Minsky.
Prince Minsky was a cat that'd been with it, he gave it away, he took it back, he put it down, he picked up, he jumped it, he trumped it, he ripped it, he rapped it, he dapped, he zapped it, he rigged it, he rig diddy dig, he danged it, he donged it, he blang it, he jumped around, he split it, he made all the scenes there was to make.
And this cat is not spending his money. He's coming on like Vesuvius reaching for Pompeii. He's blowing his gold. And the number six busboy, that's waiting on the number two waiter is picking up eleven-hundred and twenty damn two ninety-six dollars a minute in short change, so you know the joint is jumpin'.
And this big steel-tailed Minsky, he standing there sucking up all this juice and blowing all his gold around and finally he turned to these two pretty little chicks and these two wild studs and he say, "You know I dig you two chicks and you two cats. You look like you with it all the way."
Say, "We dig you too, Sir. Because you know how to live, you know how to lay your gold down. Man, live it up, that's what we say!"
"Yeah," he say, "That's right." Said, "I got a big party pad over the hill here. Everything to have a good time with." he say, "How'd you like to join me out?"
They say, "How long can we stay?"
He say, "Long as you like."
So, they paid the tab and split out of the joint and these two studs and two chicks, they expecting this wild stud to call a golden chariot and the twelve horses and outriders and all that jazz. Instead of that, he turns out to be a Mohicanhead and takes right off through the mother primeval and does about nineteen tail-breaking miles over hill and dale. And if he'd turned them loose an hour after he started, they've never found their way back so they forced to go with the cat and finally come to a black lake with a blue boat on it.
And Minsky say, "Get in!"
Now, these cats is all shook up. Their pants is ripped, they're flipped, they're torn, they're hungry. They are so hungry. They'd eat a caterpillar sandwich like you and I would ham and eggs. They are starving to death but they are with this mad mother and they don't want to, you know, make no damn trouble with the - So they with him. And these two studs in the front of boat, he 's - Minsky takes the till and goes, vrrrppppt, Boom!. The boat shoots out in the middle of the lake, two cats saying "Man, I'm so hungry" Say, "You hungry. I'm so hungry I'm about ready to die!" Say, "You body ache?" Said, "My body aches so bad, I don't know how - " He say, "What - is the cat cool?" He say, "He ain't made no bad move yet?" "No, he ain't made no bad move. No mad move. The cat's alright." He said, "What's that out in the water, it looks like a cloud tied to the water." So the other cat said, "Man, can't you see?" He say, "What you mean?" He said, "That's a wall." And it was a wall.
It was a wall about eleven-hundred damn ninety-two foot high, a cloud-pushin' mother; God know how thick, with a small uranium door in it, you know what I mean. And the boat's slide it. And ol' Minsky take his big, old long stork leg and ooooong! he kicked that brick button, vrrrpppttt, the door swing open, they go through, pound pound!, that mother slammed like Doomsday's beat. And they finally come to another big deep underground, boom!, that one slammed. Come to a drawbridge, up, vrrrptttt, down, they cross, vrrrrrrppptttt, up back. Now they come to a wall so tall it'd take seventeen French acrobats to see the top of this mother, with a small arangadang door in it. And they opened that door and they slipped through and boom! boom! that mother slammed. And the minute he did he turned to them and said, "I'm the baddest cat in this whole world!"
Said, "There ain't nothing I ain't done." He said, "I'm a cross-loader, and hangerup, and a slipslider, and a double dealer."
He said, "I've made every mother bad move there is to make."
He said, "I've done in my brother, I've done in my sister, I've done in my done ins. I've been all over this here world studying scientifically how to be a bad cat. But - " He say, "You my buddy cats sit down." Boom! and they did.
And the minute they sit down, they did a real wild take. For they found out that the chairs that they was sitting on was composed of skeleton bones. So they all did a four-way, Deng!, take on him.
Say, "I ate them cats last week. Well, " he said, "I suppose you boys is hungry."
Say, "If you ready we ready, but if you ain't ready we ain't ready, but if you is ready we is ready, but if you ain't ready we ain't ready."
He said, "Well, I got a big feast prepared for you cats." He said, "I know you is hungry."
Said, "We is hungry, Sir. There ain't no lying about that."
"Well," he say, "I know you gourmet-"
Said, "We do enjoy good food."
"Well," he say, "We might as well go in an dine. Come with me."
So, he opened this big old door in this room about forty feet wide and eighty-five feet long, in the middle of which stood a banquet table that was loaded with Goody City. It had a hundred and twenty-two Japanese Ring Ding dinners and a hundred and seventy-seven Christmas dinners and twenty-two b-b-b-b-b-birthday dinners and Chinese lun-gow and chang gow and all them goodies just steaming. These cats, [snort], took a bang of that and almost passed right out on their seats, they were flippin'! And about twenty-seven chicks, naked as jays, swinging uranium trays and dingranium trays and hoorunium trays putting more goodies on this table.
So, Minsky, this big steel-tailed stud, he walks down to the end of the table, he's standing there. He standing over to the right hand side of the table, about four feet away from it and about six feet away from the wall and in back of him was five chairs. So big old Minsky he look over and sees these five chairs and says, "Chairs, come here!" Chairs went, vrrpppppppt. So he says, "Sit down!" Boom! they did. And when they sat down, they really did the take to end all takes. 'Cause they found out that the chairs they was sitting on was composed of Chicks!, carefully woven together. By the time Minsky said, "Table come here!" Whole table went, vrrrppppppt! And they looked at the table and they find out the same gig is going there but by this time they are so hungry. They are so starved.
"We got to get something in the belly, make the brain work, that's all, get some fuel going there, make the wheels turn, don't worry about a thing. We got all this food here. We going to eat, we'll talk it over later."
So, Minsky sit down at the end, and by this time he's knocked down about nine bottles of juice. And he say, "What do you think of these goodies?"
They say, "Crazy, sir, crazy, insane, crazy and everything. Never did smell anything so aromatic in all my born days, sir. Insane, crazy!"
He said, "Well, I know you gourmetheads. So, I got something prepared for you that's wild."
They say, "We know it, sir."
And he said, "Furthermore, let me hip you to this."
They say, "What's that, sir?"
He say, "You see all these goodies on this table?"
They say, "Yes, sir."
He say, "You see all these culinary effects with the seven decks and all the wild cutters?"
They said, "Yes, sir."
He said, "Well, I'm going to hip you further that when you take your first bite, you ain't going to dig it. But surely enough if you take that second bite, BAP! You're hooked!"
They said, "We know it, sir!"
He said, "Each and every piece of great and crazy food that you see on this table is composed of one thing and one thing only: the human flesh!"
"Ummmmmmm, man, I suppose it can't be know different than stuffed chicken." he say, "Pass me that rump of small boy over there."
from "Bad Rapping of the Marquis De Sade"
transcribed by Michael Monteleone