Faux For All - stories in homage to The Master
The One Thousand Swingin' Nights For Richard, Lord Buckley
Strippin' The Hipster Somebody Done Rolled Back The Rock
Sweet Swingin' Pete And The Gnasher The Night Before Yulescene
Little Davy The Hep Star Fred and Charlie
The Shooting OF Dan's Guru Tesla Vision
How Lord Buckley Got To Heaven The Big Megilla

Somebody Done Rolled Back The Rock

by Michael Monteleone

copyright 2000, used with permission

So after that wild fish and bread party on the hill, The Nazz swung through the land dropping miracles on all the cats and kitties right and left. Everywhere he go the vonce grapevine had flipped ahead and the populance was alerted to his riff. But even when some local type cat swore up and down what he had seen The Nazz do, many of the cats who hadn't laid their own peepers on Him couldn't get with the action. They say, "I seen a lot cats pull rabbits out of a hat, this cat just has a bigger sleeve, that's all. It ain't no thing'." But when The Nazz did make their scene and do a little rosy rockin' chair magic, these wait-and-see cats all shouted

"Where do we sign up?"

And like I say, this happened everywhere The Nazz and his buddy cats went. So a great swell of love was preceding these cats like a tidal wave moving away from an earthquake.

But everyday he swung forth The Nazz's radar was gettin' a little hipper to the big picture. He was startin' to dig that he was first chair in the greatest band anybody ever put together in all of history. And he finally dug that all these miracle licks he'd been puttin' on the populance was leading up to a Great Carnegie Hall Jumpin' Goodman 'n' Wailin' Krupa Style Swing Swing Swing finale. And that was cool with him except that he knew this big riff was gonna be played in a real drugged down minor key and that this wasn't going to be an extended engagement. But, The Nazz was the sweetest cat that ever swung forth on the sphere and he dug that this was the way it was going to be and that even if he wasn't going to get to read the reviews that he was still going to make the gig. And all this because he dug the populance in front!

So, eventually, the Nazz and all his buddy cats made the scene in Jerusalem. And, by this time, the grapevine was so strong that nobody held back and when the Nazz got to the gate they was all waiting for him and they were throwing rose petals and flipping wild green leaves in front of the little donkey he was cruisin' in on. And everybody is happy and laughing and waving and the buddy cats are shakin' hands all around and tellin' people,

"Yeah, it's all true. He laid new peepers on a blind cat, and he put the rug back under a cat that had already been laid out and he done flipped everybody every which way there was to be flipped!!"

Did I say everybody was at the gates? Well, there were some Roman cats and some way out religious freaks they called the Pharisees, and these cats weren't with the scene. They spied The Nazz's arrival from the big towers that looked down on the streets and squares of the city. Now, these cats had their hands on the reins, see, and they didn't dig at all what they saw. So they sent out some sneaky little studs to snoop around.

Well, The Nazz was hip to these sneaky cats, and, like I say, his radar was real cool by now and he dug what was going down in the towers. And he also dug that he was coming up to the last song in the set. So he calls all the buddy cats together and he say,

"Babies, let's have ourselves a real swingin' feast! Let's make with the yard birds and fish and bread and the beans and wine and cake and we'll tell a couple jokes, and sing a couple songs and go a little crazy!"

And all the buddy cats say, "Cool, Daddy-o! We with you all the way!"

But one of the buddy cats wasn't with it all the way. His name was Judas, and he was a sensitive type cat that had gotten twisted up somehow in his mind and so consequently he was a little freaked out. So, he snuck off and met with some of the Roman cats and they laid a little gold on him and he promised to lead them to The Nazz. 'Cause the cats in the tower wanted to get their paws on The Nazz. Of course, The Nazz knew this in front cause he had already dug the charts and this little action was on Page 3, Bar 4, Measure 7, Notes 2 through 9.

So that night, they have the big scarf and the Buddy Cats is wailin'! They are laughing so hard that tears are coming down their faces and they is having a beautiful five ring circus and far out Mardi Gras time! But The Nazz can't quite swing with the scene. Everybody around him is dancing and passing the sake and cheesecake and everything, but they all see that The Nazz ain't picking up on his beans. And so they sound Him on this observation, but The Nazz tells them to carry on and don't mind him he's just got a little something on his wig.

So, The Nazz takes a stroll in the garden next to the party pad and into the garden comes Judas with a couple Praetorian Studs with the golden lances and the Mohawk helmets and the big square chins. And Judas comes up to The Nazz and lays a kiss on one cheek. And then a kiss on the other and then one more back where he started from. And The Nazz looks at Judas with those golden eyes of love of his and he just smiles a kind of wispy smile and sends a beam of forgiveness right into the main trunk line of Judas' mind. Well, this flipped ol' Judas and he splits to go look for tree to do himself in. And the Roman cats grabbed a hold of The Nazz and they march him away.

Well, they take him to the head Roman Stud, a cat named Pontius Pilate. And Pontius Pilate digs in front that The Nazz got something heavy going on but, he don't dig it and he don't want the competition. So, he says to The Nazz,

"Man, you may be into something groovy here, but it ain't going to go down on my watch!"

So Pontius Pilate washes his hands real cool like and tells the guards to take The Nazz to the top of the big hill and nail him up. And he also says that if The Nazz runs into a little crown of thorns and a little whip action along the way, that that's OK too.

So they drag The Nazz away and lay a couple hundred lashes on him and put a crown of thorns on his wig and they make him carry a big, heavy, splinter filled wooden cross through the streets and up the big hill. And all the people that dug The Nazz when he made the scene a couple days before are now spitting on him and yelling at him and laughing right in his face.

Well, this is a big drag and The Nazz is not diggin' this scene at all. But he knows this is in the score on Page 10, Bar 13, Measure 4, Notes 1 through 12, so he carrys on.

Eventually they get to the top of the big hill and Praetorian Studs take a hold of the cross and The Nazz hits the deck 'cause he is tired like you can't even believe. And then all of a sudden they take The Nazz and lay him on top of the cross and they nail these big rusty spikes through his wrists and they put one ankle on top of the other and run a spike through them too. Well, to The Nazz, this is Irony City on account of his main gig was being a carpenter kitty himself. But The Nazz ain't got much time to dwell on this philosophical point 'cause they lift this big cross up and put it into a hole. And now The Nazz is looking out over this big crowd of people that are yelling and shouting at him.

And, man let me tell you, The Nazz is not diggin' this at all. he knows he should stay on the beat but in all the pain and confusion he is having trouble. Then he sees the buddy cats all looking up at him and some are trying to smile and some are crying like they just lost their whole stash on the big race at Churchill Downs. And The Nazz smiles down on all his buddy cats and says,

"Babies, don't get wet eyed on me now. We are coming to my big solo and you cats have got to have the rhythm down solid if we are going to have the big finish."

Well, this straightened the buddy cats and they cooled their sorrow and got with the scene.

And then The Nazz digs his mama in the crowd and she smiles up at him and he smiles at her and all these chicks in the crowd, that was cranky with The Nazz, dig that The Nazz's mama is just this side of catching on fire and so they all line up behind her. And then The Nazz see the Praetorian Studs throwing bones to see who gets his threads. Well, one cat pulls a cool snake eyes and picks up The Nazz's robe and puts it on and looks at the Nazz and laughs. Well, The Nazz just smiles down at the cat and the cat gets a funny look on his face and stomps off. And this pushes The Nazz's subconscious button and he falls out. There's The Nazz in Spin City. He don't know which way is west and which way is up - and the poor cat can't even remember what street he's on.

All of sudden it gets real dark and black clouds appear like a bunch of fuzz about to bust the speakeasy - and there's thunder and lightning and the populance shrinks back from The Nazz. And rain pours down, and everybody is getting soaked and they is getting hungry and they is getting really salty 'cause this scene is taking forever. Well, the rain wakes The Nazz and he looks into the sky and says,

"Lord, why do I get a busy signal every time I dial your number?! You ain't picking up on my calls no more!"

But the Lord said nothing in reply.

Finally, The Nazz knows that he is on the last page, in the last bar, and it's time for his big solo. So he pulls his head up and he looks out over the populance towards the towers and he pulls his face up into a huge smile and he say

"Lord, go easy on these cats, they haven t got a clue!" And with that, The Nazz took one more breath and swooped the scene.

And now there is all kinds of carrying on, people wet eyed and people wailin' and tearing their threads and beating their chests. But after a while the crowd thins out and everybody heads home to dinner, The Nazz's mama and the chicks that lined up behind her take The Nazz's frame and wash it and oil it and make it as pretty as they can and then they wrap it in some crazy cotton threads and put it in a cave. Then about five hundred of these Praetorian Studs, on orders from the cats in the big towers roll a huge boulder in front of the cave. It seems that even after The Nazz did the big split these cats are still gaslighted by him.

So, everybody gets back to doing what they were doing before The Nazz came on the scene and three days pass and The Nazz's mother says,

"Well, I'm going down to the cave and say a little prayer and do a little dance for The Nazz."

But when she got there she see that the big boulder had been moved from the cave entrance and that The Nazz was nowhere to be seen. And she shouts,

"Man, somebody done rolled back the rock! !! And The Nazz done swooped the scene big time. From now on let us swing forth upon the land and hip people to The Nazz and when we can't make this scene any more we will join The Nazz at that swingin' party pad in the sky!!! !"

And so they did even up to and including this very day.